xtremefx

I feel like throwing my laptop, and my phone, and hitting some walls, I don't feel like murdering anyone, especially not her, I still love her too much. I never want to throw my laptop, ever, throughout all the problems I've had with it, but as I read that message, then skim read it a second time, my stress level goes up, and my blood pressure and my anger level. To say I'm not happy is an understatement, because I'm always not happy. Sitting here ain the restaurent at work on my break looking out the window as I type, yes I'm typing without lookin at the keyboard (sarcastic wow), what is going through my head I can't fathom into words, into adjectives or verbs. I feel that if I did anything to right this mess that it appears to me now, things will only fail and make things worse. One knows things can go back to how they were before, but how one does this, one does not know. I feel when I get back to my room in the staffblock their might be a few more holes in my bathroom door.

Goodbye for now...weird, I never use good bye, just bye...hmmm


somethings not right

and currently in Wien, travelling through a bit of europe, on way to romania/moldova for xmas and ukraine for new year,xiao for now

Ryan,x

23 years,150 friends,100000 songs listened to,and #1 to me,yet nothing to...her,things have been said and done,that people regret,and people can apoligise all for nothing,yet one person realises that,they didn't know it was going to be so hard on their own,im sorry K,x

...The depressive state one can get in at such a place is unbelievably and insignificantly annoying, the fact one could stand at a wall all day long, and not be able to go outside the castle, you might say, is the complete opposite of pure bliss. The idea of home air, and the smell of home-cooking, small individual things of seeing the view from the windows, whether its a brick wall, or a sea view, the sun and the snow, the rain and the gales, a world of crap is better than a wall of no meaning and people saying their words of nothingness...

an answer to a question that only one person would probably be able to answer,but wont answer,seeing things now that are scary and wondering why things happen like this,why are people like this when we can get through it and their is so much more,it kills me inside this fact of dishonesty and the untrusting result from people i love and care about,to say they murder is too innocent and the joyous feelings one has die and soon all one person has,is themself,anger,hate,and all things evil that is inside and can deceive those that apparantly dont give a fuck,im one for giving a chance,and im one for giving people shit loads more tahn once chance,maybe thats why these things kill me,because i am so good and get walked over so easily,or maybe im just a guy who just wants to be loved and cared for and whats that person here,right now,in my arms instead of typing about how fuckin annoyin it is to be taken over and getting thrown into the shitter again,christmas is the worst time to be on your own,and i think i read somewhere that more suicides happen at christmas then at any other time,comforting for those that arent in the christmas spirit eh,fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck i want to scream or something,hmmm,fuck im pissed off,bye all

So a new entry in to my lj and its 6-7 am and i cant sleep, and as it looms ever near to christmas,think its 13 days to be 'exact', and it's as if nothing is actually happening, people are getting happier, more cheery and I am not one of these people, shocking I know :-0. gotta love sarcasm,lol, and when I try to think of things that are serious or when I try and think about something that means something to me and isn't serious, I can't think, my mind is actually blank,and it's annoying. Most often my mind is rather blank and empty and nothing really comes to mind,when I go away or something to think, I don't, I forget. I don't know why I do this, but I do and I can't seem to get out of this habit, it's how I am. The joy christmas is supposed to bring, doesn't, it brings more hate and lust in my life, in my head. I find that at christmas things are worse, and life generally sucks more, it's all about happy lives and the love between your partner/families and if you don't have a happy life or you can't be with your loved one or in a happy family, or you don't feel you're in a happy family, then what? and then it goes on to New Year's and the 'celebration' of a new a year, or probably more a celebration for the end of another dull, crappy year that in all honesty amounted to fuck all nothing. I was told the other day by Jennifer that ever since we have known each other (3/4 years) I have always spent the 'new year festivities' with her, and so this year maybe the case also, and even if its not, I might say I am going to spend it with her, just so I am on my own, I will be with no one when it becomes 2008, no family, no friends, no strangers, just me, myself and my notebooks, writing down the small insignificant details of how low I feel at the point. Although if I do spend it with Jen, then I am going to try and drink till it gets to the point of 999 call, and I expect that would be quick considerin I don't drink alchoal, and if I do it is on the rare occasion, and with this hope in mind, then I say bring on the fuckin new year, and bring it on fucking full force because quite frankly, I don't give a damn.

and the end of another pointless entry about how shit things are :D,same shit different day with me,one day ill put something positive down (Y),bye for now my lovlies,maybe i can put something creative as my last words,hmmm...
...we cant fear what we loathe because we cant grasp what we love,the fact of truth is mere fact among the fiction we all desire to keep our peers and our highers more ecstatic than someone hooked on speed,for the rush they get gives a numbness that they can forget,a pain and a drive which pushes them so far into this feeling or madness and joy,that causes more harm than calm,they hide their truthes and their hooves under the simplistic reasoning of what is a social life,a social revolution more like,since the fact is nothing is more bogus than the utter total crap you pull from your sweater in this cold days dawn,the red sky shines on your hands and the red night blinds your neck,you feel you cant desire what you idolise because you cant see by the blinding sea that you are in too deep and gone blue in the panic from this manic cold and drug induced tuesday,you see you want more than life itself,you want someone elses,which is why you bullshit yourself in the chaos amongst your peers to be able to afford the crap that you try and stop polluting terra,the girl that is your home,be safe and be clean because you know you should,be capable and lean because thats what they should,and to be like it that you cant desire as to much as your soul,because thats gone now,to the hell hole,so when you think of life and all that comes with,remember one thing,to love thyself.

I am sorry for you Charlie, hope things work out and remember you've got me, hope you remember to share me though, and you cheer up, and if you do go to London before the end of the year, maybe we can meet up.

so...yer,things are...i dont kno,things going through my head fucking with me i guess,not sure whats going on or what to think or what to do,everything seems...not positive,maybe that is good old ryan walker for you,i dont kno and i probably dont care,but ya kno what something really annoying me,well not annoying me but probably more bugging me,maybe its a mix of things,im sure its a mix of things,money 'problems',more of...lack of money or very very little money coming in,and ya kno,i need more than what i have coming in right now,for holiday,paying back parents,paying parents,saving money up,money for gigs and everything that comes with it,then there is katherine,and i kno she will read this,so i might create ANOTHER lj,to put what i want there and use that,i thought about 5 minutes ago about maybe creating fresh profiles for everything and using that as a more...serious thing,or something that i dont just give out,something for parents,and certain people i want,quacks,and people that really mean something in my life,not just a shit load of people i just dont kno and rarely speak to,hmmm,i dont kno,just an idea,and id prob use my gmail account and use lemming avatar for everything,well who knows,ive just got jennifers number from elaine and started speakin to her again,its probably a mistake,but i dont kno,for short time it will be good for me,im sure...more i hope i guess,and now im at home for two weeks,basically on my own with a pregnant dog,one annoying cat,and a shit load of fish,one of which (Ifrit),is cooler than all the others,and alison and anne will be popping in every now and then,i know,but...hmmm,this is the first night and already i feel i so fucking lonely,and alison and anne arent gonna help,and with me working basically 2 days,one full and two halves,days are gonna take ages to fuckin pass,and their is no one here willing to come and 'hang out' with me,and even if we did 'hang out',wtf would we do,got fuck all TO do,decent consoles only got one controller for each,and watchin films and tv and tv shows gets boring after awhile,suppose i could cook,but is that really a benefit??? :-0,and what if alison and/or anne just happen to pop round without anything being organise,then FUCK,and anne gets back from probably never neverland on wednesday night,and apparantly she is coming straight round here...im getting a visit from the devil woman ¬_¬ should be interesting im sure,apparantly she likes to take charge in/at everything,i feel i might need to remind her that she is HELPING with Isla,not being the boss of her,or me,and maybe ill end up having to tell her that at the time she was asked to look after isla,me coming back wasnt known,and then it appeared that i was going to be here,and her being here had already been organised,so kinda no choice sort of i guess...maybe those two being here is more to keep an eye on me,which i think it is,suppose i should go,got work and all,gotta sleep,i expect i will get up,i thought about sleeping here :-0,probably a really really abd idea that,sleeping in my towel and dressing gown in the living room on chair with window open o_0 so yes...g'night all,and to those that get offended reading this,fuck you!!!,and those that dont get offended reading this,fuck you too!!!

I thought about my birthday next year,will be my 21st,thought about a party...then i thought a party worthy of a 21st birthday,so now im thinking more,and thinking...hmmm,music would be good,live music is better,and so I am going to ask some bands if they are willing to play for free,in the middle of nowhere for hopefully a fair few people,with quite a bit of alchoal available,i guess its wishful thinking,but who knows,maybe something will happen,long way off yet,the people that will come,thats my struggle,dont think people will,anyhow,ciao for now

ok,so i feel like shit and thought maybe i should start typing up these things ive written in my books,now ive got two books and written things in the front and back of each,so each post will be one book,and either the front or back,as to where to start,now that i do not know,i think the only way i am able to do this is BECAUSE i feel like crap,other than that,i'd have no chance,i think i might start from the beginning...oh and big gaps mean seperate inputs,some might have dates,some might not,small one line gaps are like paragraphs...also im typing all this out,not proof reading it,so sorry for any mistakes and i hope you can read it all easily


book one,the front;

Love Sucks Ass,It is shit and hurts and makes your life hell,kill me now while you still can,or leave me to ache,to feel this pain,this burn,this hell




This is a waste of money and only bought beacuse i was cold and wanted to warm up so i went into tesco, where i got sacked from,and i bought this then thought,fuck this was a waste,i dont know what the fuck to put in it. 15 min to go till Jen finishes work and then we can fucking go,ill be moving ill get warm,(hopefully) thank fuck. i shouldnt have chosen to put shorns on,fucking idiot,i shouldve kept my jeans on,fuck its cold,and i think i am getting one - gay.

Well now,its morning and im gonna get my breakfast and stuff soon,then ill be off to work,i am a bit upset however that the reason i came to jens,we didnt even discuss at all,im still cold but i am warmer,but now im just tired like fuck,i dont know if this is gonna be shitty diary thing,all i do know is my writing is a mess in this and so fuck it-IM OFF



HERE TODAY FORGOTTEN TOMORROW



song #1???

You <-> can hold me?
can you comfort me,
this numbness needs feeling
can you help me
my dream must become real
a love needs to be loved
and you're the one for me

how many times the pain
how many times the hurt
what has to be done for relief
i need you <-> i need help
i need back up,i need a miracle

this story cant go on itself
it needs a hero,a girl
and a happy ending,
if all three had to come at once
would you be the one






another day gone
another million brain cells dead
another day wasted
and still my life fucked








another day and another way
your still here,there and everywhere
in my heart and my memories
why did that day happen
why did you go

a suffereing dream with no remorse
the pleasent past for a troubled future
im now alone and misery has taken over me
you my love have gone,and so has my happyness
death is upon me,the time is soon
death is upone me,soon we'll be together again







clear skies and clear eyes
can see all...fuck forgot it







What days come tomorrow,cant come to soon,another day quicker to a lonely death,ive already died on the outside and nearing deaeth mentally,each hurt from another person,causes another scar...closing to a mental death...when will my jeart die to stop my life,its been stabbed,shot,torn and has bled since created,the blood rushes more quickly to the fists,my fists clench tighter,just as my heart,as if i have my heart in my hands,and i control it,but its not in my hands,its on my arm and getting smaller and smaller,when its gone will i be gone,my real heart, inside me,my life (15/7/06)






another random thing can lead to another stupid problem,to what can happen excactly,who knows,suicide,murder,lose your job,fire someone,lose a friend,just thanks to saying the wrong words or doing the wrong thing at any time,its these that can disrupt peoples lives,the importance of life not being screwed up is huge,and absoloutly vital,things go wrong,and its another downer,a negative,more weight on the shoulders,what is life all about excactly,i mean you can be the most successful person ever and die,what happens to it all then,its gets passes down to someone who can do it?...maybe,but along the way its gonna screw up and go "terribly wrong," life is here,and you can do whatever the hell,either way your still gonna die.life is a waste,its a waste of time,space and everything else in between,its weird that some of us,still try to excel far in life,and all of us want to go far in life,and for what..death







and so another problem has arisen,the problem of me,the lazy one,the smelly one,the one who cant get up early,the one who seems to always gets blamed,the one who can never do anythin worthwhile,the one who is useless,the one with no friends,the one who knows all this and doesnt bother to change it,the one who deserves to die...maybe







so many worlds are wanted,a happy world,quiet world,sad world,a world without distraught people,upset people,scared,fearful,stressed,depressed people,can people live in a world like this,a world without fear and sadness and depressions and stress and guilt and poor people,people need to be happy,how can they be happy when they have so many negatives in there life,people need to change,the world needs to change,and with change comes something not many people feel,and thats true happyness,a very very rare thing and what to we feel once we have this,anything else that is just as high as pure,true happyness







From Ryan
To jess
Subject :angry couple,lol
Dont you think they're putting a show on,you can kinda tell in there voices they are holding back what they really feel.people should say about hoe they feel...dont you thing?...they are so dead






i cant see further than what i want to see,this pain this suffering,this heaven scares me,glimpses of hell have been seen,im worrying at what is to come,ive done something i regret,putting the link with heaven on hold,i dont want to upset heaeven,then i might not get in,she wants me to be happy but not heaven,to do so i need to ceome angry,i need to see hell,i need to be pissed off and angry at her,so i forget her,i cant go from love to like,i can only from from love to hate,i love her,dont want her to feel bad,i want her to be happy,no matter what,i love her to much and dont want to hurt you.

i love you phoebe,sorry for doing so







wonders will never seize to amaze me,what goes on is crazy,funny that,because what goes on is actually life,so therefore life must be crazy,should it not,so what is sanity,if crazy is insane,life be therefore insane,so what is then sane,is a god of unknowing force sane,because to me that is insane,absoloutly crazy,and then when questioning sanity/insanity,then surely that is a good time to question normality,what is normal,what is not normal,a life of unrest in marjorly weird situations which are definately not normal,and someone who is completely "fucked" in the head,then surely things are not good for this person and needs to get life sorted out.how come someone like a shrink help,the problem is not got rid of,it is simple avoided by gettin the brain to be used more to think about things that werent thought about before,a bit of a new information,basic brainwashing techniques.life is fucked,life is a problem you cant avoide it,just open peoples eyes to things they havent seen before,new ideas,new adventures,nerw thoughts,whats the point in life if you cant experience it as a whole. (14/12/06)








I still no idea what to write,its as if i have things flying around my head,but writing them down has become so hard as of late,maybe i have so much to say,that i just dont know where to start,normally i dont have this problem,its like writers block or something. its not i wont write something,its,i cant write something. (26/7/07)